LUSARAN NATIONAL HIGH SCHOOL

                  Reaching the farthest secondary school in Cebu City is not a joke! From Pit-os Talamban, one has to ride a motorcycle to be able to get there.Every time I travel, I recite the rosary on my way up or on my way down while hiring a single motorcycle.  My intention is  to have a smooth and safe trip. The  bumpy, dangerous and either dusty or muddy roads are never easy.

                 The school stands at the foot of a hill .Every morning, the fog is a breathtaking site that one can hardly see the school building because all one sees and feels is  the fog and mist..I now remember sleeping all alone in the house that I rent; how I have to use a very thick comforter to help me from shaking  off the cold. My recollection brings me to the time when I visit the garden at the  of the school main buiding during wee hours to be able to talk of the flowers. My recollection stops me at the door of our project prayer room where we hold covenant every Wednesday evening to be  with the Lord through the mysteries of the Holy Rosary.

                 There are wonderful experiences that I treasure when I was there. Those events were too many to mention but each became priceless because each was spent with my dedicated fellow  peers, respectful students, good neighbors and peace loving community. 

Is there Anybody Out Here?

 tick tack — only the sound of the clock hears me

Fruits for Thoughts from Mulan Via Text

 Hazel Ong,  or Mulan,  as I fondly call her,  was one of my secondary students who frequently  texts me either jokes of the day,  the week or the month for she believes that laughter is the best medicine of boredom and physical ailment. Other times, she sends me healthy tips. Here is one of those:

STRAWBERRY: A good refreshing cleanser for the whole body.

ORANGE          :  Helps in cleaning up our digestive system.

MELON             :  A gentle laxative that stimulates action on the kidneys.

WATERMELON: Stimulates the appetite while cleaning the bladder and kidneys.

APPLE                : Helps relieve indigestion, keeps cholesterol stable and supresses

                               appetite.

BANANA             : An excellent aid in indigestion (highly recommended by my

                              Ongco to improve my potassium esp. lakatan)

MANGO              : Gives energy vitality and promotes healthy skin.

PAPAYA              : An energy booster that stimulates the appetite and cleanses the

                               internal organ

PINEAPPLE       : Aids in the digestion of protein.

GRAPE                : An excellent  metabolism stimulator (grapes with seeds are highly

                                advisable for CA patients and survivors) 

Lenten Thoughts

         “Time does fly,” so the saying goes. Last February 26 marked another milestone of my existence. Yes, its been three years since I was diagnosed, treated and declared free from cancer. What a Mighty God we have indeed! It was just like yesterday when I was bald and I had to wear masks. I  also recalled the objections of my beloved sisters and friends of my participation of the Visita Iglesia (Church Visitation) but I made  that crucial year of no exception for I was aware that if  He was with me in my healthy days, He was more than 24 hours with me while I was fighting for my dear survival . More than any medicine and food, the Greatest Healer of my disease was no less than HIM!

       As I leaf my journal of those days of Lent , I’ve come across to this text that I received from a friend and I would like to share this to you:

       HE had no servants yet they called Him MASTER

       No degree yet they called Him Teacher

       No medicine yet they called Him Healer

        No army yet kings feared Him

       He won no military battles yet

       He conquered the wolrd

       He committed no crimes, yet they crucified Him.

       He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today…

       Feel  honored to belong to such a Leader!

MY PRAYER

 I am  wretched You know, Dearest.

To a man I seem complete,

But to You who see my defeat,

Know my insecurities.

So I lift my hands O, Dearest,

In total surrender of my weakness.

Take them, let me not be its slave.

Teach my heart, mold me Dearest.

Let me long for You and You alone.

Take away my worries, get rid of them

Let me forgive myself, let me move on.

Thank You, Dearest, I praise You.

Echoes From Within

           I think of the times you caused me pain and want to leave you ages ago, yet how can I? Ten thousand voices tell  me to hold on, seventy thousand voices tell me to forgive, a hundred thousand voices tell  me to love still, and one powerful voice tells me to pray.

         Devoid of pain I must remain. To keep that vow I made to Him. To hold on, to forgive, to love, to pray. For though I tried to defy Him, He never gave up on me, He forgave, and He loves me just the same. So here I am, I keep hanging on to you — like a strong foundation I remain strong before your eyes. No, dont call me a hypocrite! I pained when you were indifferent, I wept each time you hurt and abused me but that’s all that you can do to me. for you havent crushed my spirit to keep on imitating the Master of the Voice I heard from within.

Awakening

Do I have them when they are nowhere?

As I lay down weak on my bed

Wanting of an inspiring tale,

The question worn and bitter

Keeps nagging my head

Why are they nowhere?

Ah, the vast street is empty!

Nobody’s coming, somewhere else they stay

Not with me someone else’s company

While I struggle a breath and pain much

Yes, to somewhere else’s they go

When were they really with me?

( A reflection when I battled depression over the absence of well-loved family members and friends…. Reality bites but the lesson is to never expect so much from others. Despite the hard experience they gave me, I forgive them even when the pain still lingers on. I vow to my God that I will never do the same to them when they get down.— that’s the best way to forgive them)

My Vow

Abused.

Enough.

Change.

Quit.

Separate.

LORD, I need your help

You know how much I value friendship

I treasure them far precious than treasure

I am ready to lay my life

If only to save a friend

If only to save a soul

All for the love of a friend.

But now my cup is empty

Im drained and I cant get thru YOU

And if this drought

Hinders me to be with You

Then I beg of You

Rescue me

CAPTURE me

Into your loving arms

For you

I am willing

to let go.

Attachments

ATTACHMENTS

Worldly pleasures you search

Neon lights you admire

Busy streets you follow

Splashing places you play

Fake laughters you break

Hopeless images you give

Struggling souls you imprison

Deep hurts you nurture

Myriad angsts you hide

World treasures you uphold.

CHAINED.

(To all walks in life whose lives depend on wearing masks)

Being Single: "A Boon or a Bane?"

     Being single at 43 is both a boon and a bane. Let me tell you why……

     Most often  friends, colleagues and acquiantances fly to me when they  need a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, a helping hand to an errand, a company in case an emergency arises,  I am an angel anytime, anywhere. Even when I was sick and had my chemotherapy, friends still wish to talk  so they can reveal their innermost fears in life because I am always available.

     That is not the case in some circumstances though. I hear people who know me and those who claim they know me drawing  controversial conclusions why I still remain unattached at this stage. They think I am idealistic, monastic, man hater, gold digger, a lesbian, blah, blah, blah…I must admit, I dont laugh these assessment all the time especially the last one but what can I do? I simply can’t change my circumstance to please others. 

   So I just shrug my shoulders of all the wild accusations and wish I were somewhere else where people don’t mind what state of life I am in. I don’t think there’s something wrong with the male species if they don’t find me worth taking because I don’t see anything wrong with me not choosing anyone of them even up to this age.

  Of course I long for a partner as there are some days and some nights that I  really feel lonely because I am alone but then I think of a wife and a mother, or a husband and a father  who is equally lonely as I am because of an unfaithful partner. I think that puts me in a better position. I still wish of a possible partner. I swear, I still do. I am done away with a frog turning into a prince story but I pray my prince won’t turn into a frog! I earnestly pray for a partner who is stronger than me. Someone who knows how to laugh amidst great srtifes in life. Someone who accepts my ailment, someone who knows how to weep hard but stays tough whenever I go ahead. Someone who loves me like I am the only one but who is ready to love another one when I am already gone.

  The best part of being single at 43 is you don’t give up dreaming and dreaming

Rare Virtue

        Billy Joel’s famous hit song “Honesty” is one of my favorite songs. It reveals how lonely this virtue reigns in this world packed with hypocrisy.

       A number of people make believe that there are moments when it is better to conceal the truth to save a face, to maintain a government, to uphold security. How morbid these motives are and how ironic these evil tactics lurk.

      Woe to the man who condones the wrong doings of another to gain societal acceptance. Salvation is far to him who intentionally  tolerates dishonesty in exchange of material possessions. For doesn’t God speak to us through His Book that we gain no profit if we gain outward respect and richness if we lose our dear soul?

    I cannot grasp why one has to support for a goverment leader who manipulates citizens’ taxes for his personal ambition. In the end he dies and brings neither fame nor glory when he goes to the other side. Even his family who are the rightful heirs of an unrightful wealth will definitey suffer because money cannot bless a family and a generation who is part of a grave corruption. Neither can I comprehend why one has to deny the truth about poverty in exchange of claimed economic uprise.How tragic the outcome I forsee. The devil’s laughters defeaned me. He triumphs every lie that we tell. Lying, no matter how little it may seem, is always a SIN.

    I remember a lie I  made to save a cousin. In the end, I lost the trust of an uncle and an aunt I truly love and from then on, I vowed never ever to lie.

  Honesty helps our spirit to be reconciled with the Lord. Let’s choose honesty over dishonesty and the Prince of Lies 2 will definitely be defeated once we decide to uphold what is true. Honesty deletes mistrust ; let’s make it our virtue.

The Real Games I Won

                  Often, the audience only focused on the trophy we won over a competition nothwithstanding the hardships and bruises we got.

                  Life is a circus. I’ve known this harsh reality when I was barely eight years old. That was when my mother died and I had to live in Mindanao with total strangers that I entered the maze and was hopeless about how I would be able to go back home. 

                 There I experienced all sorts of games, big and small ones. Each event I had to keep winning to keep me going.

                 The first puzzle was how to reach the vast field of either rice or corn without falling down from narrow dikes or getting hurt from rough coconut husks. It likewise required walking through tall trees and coconut palms and crossing rivers and lagoons  rumored to be infested with cocodiles.

                 Going back was  as tough as reaching there.

              The second was how to get some sleep while all alone in a room I once thought was twice bigger than my new world. The third was how to keep my eyes awake every 4:00 A.M. so I could prepare food for our breakfast. The fourth was how to conquer my fears so I could get some dried palm leaves outside the house. The fifth was how to cook food in less than an hour before lunch hour. The sixth was how to imagine a different flavor of my daily banana snacks. The seventh was how to prevent mysef from joining other children who played happily after class hours. The eight was how to control my nervousness so I could wash the dishes in a very dark kitchen. The ninth was how to control myself from figthing back against a mean working student who verbally and physically abused me.

            And like all other carnivals, there is always a clown. I became a clown in my circus. I was a picture of a perfectly controlled stuff on the outside but a real teary-eyed softie inside. I pretended everything was only a game. That’s how i survived the ordeals…..

          Who shall heal the bruises that have left ugly scars to this clown? I know not. All I know is that I have to continue the game of forgiving  this time with my mask off.

                                                             -   END -

    //     Mrs. Elena Labrada, our school guidance counselor  who is now a Head Teacher of Values Education , told me to write my hurts. Wow! the more I wrote, the more I remember, and the more I pain. Then there were those I cannot afford to divulge for I might  hurt others, too.Besides, I want to forgive those who inflicted deep anguish to me. I forgive them for their tender years  and old age alike. Who are they?  Well, only the Master of the Game know them. This time it is a game I have to win so I can go home to His place peacefully.

Sunday Thoughts

In times of spiritual turmoil, aside from getting a copy of Rick Warren’s “The Purpose Driven Life” I also keep a hand of Streams in the Dessert by L.B. Cowman. This morning, I’ve come across to this devotional reading. Here it goes…..

      Therefore, do not always look ahead to your tomorrows for some ideal situation, exotic difficulty, or faraway emergency in which to shine. Rise today to face the cirmcumstance in which the providence of God has placed for you this very hour or week and month of your life. Yet the most difficult things are not those seen and known by the world but those deep within your soul, unseen and unknown by anyone except JESUS. It is in the this secret place that you experience a little trial that you would never dare to mention to anyone else and it is more difficult for you to bear than martyrdom.

      Beloved, your crown lies there. May God help you to overcome and to wear it.

December Prayer

              “I stop counting Chistmases while I keep hoping and praying that my December wish be granted.”

             The short prayer tells the reader how the speaker loses a great love one December 17. In the end, it tells the reader the decision of the speaker to start praying of a new love to come along.

             Several Christmases taught the speaker the value of patience… the patience in waiting. Only this time she knows that it is actually Jesus Christ who deserves such an honor and devotion and every December from this year, she knows the waiting for that real love is revealed and need not worry her.

                                                 One cold DECEMBER,

                                                    he  broke my heart

                                                  Two cold DECEMBERS

                                                     I mourned the loss

                                                 One cold DECEMBER,

                                                    I realized why

                                                 Two cold DECEMBERS

                                                    I prayed tor them

                                                  This cold DECEMBER

                                                   I pray for mine.

Waiting (For my family members and friends who never came)

     Do I have them when they are nowhere? As I lay down weakly on my bed waiting for a cheer up word, wanting for an inspiring tale. The quest worn and bitter hang on and like cancer spread, why are they nowhere while I am here?Ah, the vast street is empty. Nobody’s coming, somewhere else they company. Not with me, but someone else ’s maybe. While I fight for life their absence made me think twice: When are they really with me?

My Little Physician And My Little Nurse

         Perfect ears, chinky eyes, lovely noses, pouting lips, pinkish cheeks, smooth faces, slender arms, small hands, litlle fingers, cute feet.They are mannahs from heaven- these children are.

      They are my nieces, Princess Jannah and Cheenie Lu. They are better antidotes than my capsules and vaccines. They are also very perceptives. They can tell when I am worried, sick, or exhausted. Those times when I had my chemotherapy they’d comfort me by massaging my arms and legs and kissing my bald head. Chenai would act as my  smart doctor while Jannah would be my effecient nurse or vice versa. All free of charge! They would also assure me not to be bothered of my baldness for my hair would soon grow. True enough, they did! Now that I am back on my feet, my little physician and my little nurse have become disastrous kids. Disarranging my room like a demoliton partner who sometimes like to act as beauticians! But when I start to claim exhaustion, they’d play doctor and nurse again! That’s the best part I like in their game.

Angels <for Angelo Atuel>

           When I was a child, I always picture angels the way they are painted by known and unknown artists. To me,  angels are winged creatures dressed immaculately in white robes with prominent halos above their heads. Those who devote their time singing melodious hymns for God’s glory belong to the grand choir while those who protect people from harm and worldly temptations work as His soldiers. Angels cry when we sin but they are not involved of our sins. They are jubilant  when we obey the will of the Father. They  live in heaven and spend a whole lot of their time pleasing Him!

        Today, I realize that some angels are without wings. Some dont have halos, and not all can sing well. Others are not strong enough to protect us from danger. They are not dressed in white nor do they live in heaven. At least not yet. But by their good deeds, by their pure hearts, they become our reservoir when we are in bad times.These angels are our family members, friends, acquaintances, and perfect strangers. They are the wonderful persons who have touched our lives and who have accepted our imperfections without lashing their tongues  when we turn our backs to them. I have met them along my journey and they continue to be my angels even as I am writing this.

      One of them celebrates his 30th birthday today. By chance his name is Angelo but his angelic voice and attitude are not by luck for he earns them through constant practice and self discipline. His well defined values in life may sound too traditional to those who believe that principles are dependent to the changing time, yet to those who uphold that integrity and their friends are non negotiable —they are rare and commendable!  I met him one casual day, through the introduction of  two colleagues, Junvic Indaya and Robert Caritan. He became one of my best pals even  without  my knowing it. The first time I get invited to his place in Cambinocot was on September 23, 2004. I remembered vividly my own hesitation of attending his birthday bash because at that time we were merely acquiantance. Well, that decision to be there was one one of the best that I had made because it paved way of our beautiful friendship. Among other  angelic deeds, ANGELO, together with my two other friends, was one of those who chose to be with me on the 26th of February 2006. A Sunday when I was fighting so hard of my fears over my possible prognosis and what to do about it. While I was waiting for him at the church, I thought of telling him to offer the mass for me. I never did. In fact,  we never got the chance to sit on the same pew but he was there. I wanted so much to talk about my concerns, I never uttered it but we talked of anything under  the sun and that was good. I wanted so hard to cry for help but tears won’t come yet the mere presence of three friends kept me strong.When I invited him to join me on that day, he never asked why he had to be there, who he had to be with while he was with me. He simply came. Little did he know the inner strength he gave me on that gloomy Sunday.  

He Ran To Me

    When I was out of work and very sick, I felt like everyone had left me for good. It seemed like nobody understood me. But it was when nobody came to comfort me, no one called and no one texted how I was going on  that  Jesus ran to me. This was the story…

    One midnight I was in great pain brought by the side effects of my chemotherapy. My bones seemed to crush that I could harldy lie on bed. As tears kept rolling on my cheeks, the Crucifixion of Jesus Christ  came into full view, I cried to Him, “Lord, we’re both in pain and it is very good of you to let me realize that in my situation right now I share with you a drop of what you have gone through as you hang on the cross.. I offer to you my difficulties in reparation of my sins. While I was praying this, an evil thought crossed my mind. And so I began to complain, ” Yet Lord, while you were on the cross, you had your mother and John to comfort you. I feel so alone. You took my mother years ago and right now, I dont want to to rouse my sister from her deep slumber.” Then He said to me, ” That’s true,Fe. Nobody there feels what you feel. Your mother is not around , nobody sees you but I am here with you. Am I not enough?” What He said, put me to rest.

Lessons in Life

These are the ten best learnings that I gained when I was diagnosed of cancer, treated and isolatedL:

1, God provides.

2. I can endure all things through God who strengthens me.

3.Adversities are opportunities to let me see which are godly and which are Godly.

4.My family loves me.

5. Real friends are rare to find.

6.Let go of unnecessary worries.

7. Forgiveness must be given instantly but to never allow the same people to keep on hurting me.

8. Think less of myself  by helping others who are in pain.

9.Circumstances can only affect me if I permit them to.

10. Keep on loving even if others cannot and will not love me in return.

Reaction

From the onset of my cancer I never questioned God of my predicament.  I have fully accepted it with contrite heart because I knew that  He had every purpose for allowing the circumstance to happen. My family and some of my  friends got  teary eyed. Thats how Ive come to prove  that I am blessed; I am loved! On the early part of my treatment, reactions were highly sensitive. The most common ones were those  expressed concern why I submitted to chemotherapy and radiation. They feared it will shorten my life. Others thought I got sick because of the sins of my parents, ancestors, and friends. I wondered how many  thought it was my punishment from heaven. I wanted to tell them it wasnt right for them to act and feel more than doctors and more than God. I  wanted to give them a booklet of how to handle cancer patients like me but then, who am I to say that? Some had hurt me in their attempt to comfort me. Well, perhaps thats how much they love me. I remembered Jacob . He remained undaunted amidst the temptations of his so called friends when he was stricken with misfortunes. His life kept me strong when the going was really tough.